


A Part of Myself

by LollyLove



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 319 spoilers, Confrontations, Declarations Of Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 17:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18525919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LollyLove/pseuds/LollyLove
Summary: Alec receives a familiar visitor in his office after work, and the night takes an unexpected turn.





	A Part of Myself

**Author's Note:**

> ATTENTION!  
> This one-shot contains spoilers from the 319 sneak peeks.  
> If you haven't watched them and don't want to know about them, you probably shouldn't read this.
> 
> HUGE huge huge huge thanks to my beta Cristina. Without her, this OS probably wouldn't have ever been posted.  
> Your tears helped me so much :')♥
> 
> If you have absolutely no issue with the spoilers from the sneak peek, then enjoy the ride!  
> (You shouldn't need tissues, but have one nearby just in case.)

It has been one hell of a day for Alec. Those kind of days where you hoped you could have a time-out for a few hours and just breathe. Falling into the arms of the only person you want to spend time with, talk to and cuddle until the end of time. Unfortunately, this was not possible for Alec anymore. He didn’t realize until now, but keeping his Head of the Institute mask on was what helped him go through his day. Once he closes the door of his office and no demonic activity was to be reported, reality dawns upon him. He sighs and falls back onto the chair of his office, his head falling back on the headrest, closing his eyes.

Alec had broken up with the love of his life the night before.

And to say that he could feel his heart breaking into thousands and thousands of tiny little pieces each time what was left of his heart was beating was an understatement. Ever since he walked out of his mother’s bookshop, leaving Magnus there, possibly in an even worse state, he felt like a soulless body. His duty was distracting him from overthinking and facing the pain, and he hoped Magnus has found a way to deal with the heartbreak as well on his side.

Alec had lied and told half-truths to Magnus to break his heart, and it had broken Alec’s heart in the process too. To say Alec had done this sacrifice only for Magnus to get his magic and immortality back wouldn’t be true. He knows that Magnus can’t feel whole without his magic, heck, Magnus himself told him dying for a magic-less life may be worth it. Alec didn’t want to spend the rest of his life watching Magnus suffer, especially when he had the opportunity to make Magnus feel whole again, just like the way Magnus sacrificed his powers to make him feel whole again. It was painful, for both of them and Alec was sure of it: Magnus would get over him eventually. He did this for Magnus’ happiness, because he knows that when Magnus is happy, then he is happy.

Alec was taken out of his thoughts when the door of his office burst open and two familiar faces stormed in. Magnus was angrily pacing in his office trying to get out of Underhill’s grip on his arm.

“I just want to talk to Alec,” Magnus’s voice was hoarse, unrecognizable.  
“You can’t just walk in like that and--”  
“Watch me.”

In a flick of the wrist, Underhill was ejected out of the room, the door closing shut right in front of his face, potentially a little bit too strong. If Magnus’ heart wasn’t as heavy as it currently was, Magnus would’ve smirked proudly. He tapped one foot on the floor and turned to face Alec with an indepictable expression on his face.

Alec’s mouth agape, he was staring in confusion. He was just barely coming back to reality, that he realized Magnus was standing before him. And he had just used magic.

_The deal. It worked._

“You--”  
“I got my spark back,” Magnus snaps.

When Magnus was mad about something, you could tell by the way he was standing. And right now, Magnus’ whole body was really showing how hurt and angry he was. He had his chin held up high in pride, his posture straight and his shoulder tensed. The expression on his face was the most telling.

Magnus made a gesture with his hand and a sudden thud resonated onto Alec’s desk. Alec’s heart dropped as he looked down at the metallic object, the ‘Aku cinta kamu’ inscription engraved on the golden lock staring back at him.

Out of all the things Alec expected, their eternal love lock was definitely the last thing he wanted to see right now. Not because he didn’t like it. The idea of Magnus going to their place and taking the time to take their lock down was hurting more than he thought. It was the confirmation that Magnus had been hurting just as much as he did, probably even more.

He noticed one important detail though: the lock hadn’t been broken. It was unlocked.

“Do you still believe our love is eternal?” Magnus asks, his voice barely a whisper but a certain resentment in it. He was looking straight at Alec’s face, his expression barely telling. Alec wasn’t sure if he was avoiding watching at the lock, but he probably had all the time in the world to look at it, especially when he decided to take it down.

Alec barely met Magnus’s eyes before he focuses his gaze on the lock, the memory of that special day aching his heart. He meant to visit the place in the morning: guess he didn’t have to anymore.

“Alec, answer me.”

Alec didn’t know the extent of the deal with Asmodeus. He had been asked to break Magnus’s heart, which he did in the most painful way he could have ever think of. But he didn’t know, as the magic has been restored, if Asmodeus could still take it away again if Alec told him now. And Alec didn’t want to risk for Magnus to lose everything again for the third time. They did not just go through this turmoil of emotions only for everything to be jinxed because Alec didn’t reasoned hard enough.

Alec looks up at Magnus and sighs. There was now so many expressions in Magnus’s eyes, none of which Alec wanted to see right now. Anger. Pain. A lot of pain. Sorrow. He could even tell there was some desperation.

And he was pretty sure Magnus could read all of these similar emotions in Alec’s eyes too.

“I do,” Alec whispers, barely audible even for him.

Magnus took an intake of breath and sighed, as if a small portion of the tension he was feeling was leaving his shoulders. He sits on the chair in front of Alec’s desk and holds his head back. Alec took advantage of Magnus not looking in his direction to admire the most beautiful person he’s ever laid eyes on. He felt like a child who wasn’t allowed to take a peak at what was hidden behind the door of a closet, yet still tried to.

The silence was heavy, heavy of unspoken words from the tangible heartbreak. The energy in the room felt odd, it was different as every other times Magnus and Alec were in the room together, different than the playful atmosphere when Magnus was being jealous of Underhill, and, thankfully, different from the morbid memory of Magnus’s heart stopping on Alec’s carpet.

This time, a mix of desperation and loss was dominating the atmosphere. By losing the most precious thing in their life, they had realised how much their life loses its meaning when they’re being torn apart.

“Do you know how much you mean to me, Alec?” Magnus’s voice was firm, still hoarse. He was looking straight into Alec’s eyes, searching for answers, which was oddly intimidating for Alec who ended up looking down.

Alec opens his mouth to reply, Magnus cuts him off with his hand held up between them.

“Let me rephrase it,” he starts again, meeting Alec’s gaze who finally looked up, “do you know how deeply I feel about you?” Magnus’ expression was indescriptible, Alec could only focus on his eyes he didn’t want to look at the night before, afraid he would break in.

And Magnus was feeling the exact same way.

“Do you have any idea how much it hurts to even think about losing you someday,” Magnus continues, his voice was slowly but surely becoming more and more tense, anger was replacing desperation, “Do you have any idea how terrified I am of even thinking about having to let you go?”

Those were rhetorical questions, and they both know it. Alec was still insecure about being a burden to Magnus as he grows old and although Magnus told him otherwise already, Alec had absolutely no idea how much he had reached Magnus’s soul.

Technically, they were still broken up, and they had already lost each other. But they both know what Magnus actually meant.

“You’ve loved before and you’ll love again, this isn’t something you hadn't gone through before--” Alec tries, quietly, as if he was afraid to deepen the wounds still fresh in both their hearts.

Magnus bitterly puffed between two sobs he was holding back.

“But that’s the thing!” Alec’s stubbornness wasn’t helping Magnus in remaining calm, “I had never gone through something like this before!” he breaks down.

“You’ve loved before, and you’ll love after me” Alec stubbornly reiterates, his voice showing how hurt he feels. Maybe they hadn’t talked enough about that and Alec had been holding it back for too long. It’s not as if they had any time to settle and talk about everything they needed to talk about anyway.

“But you have no idea how the ‘after you’ part is going to be a genuine _nightmare_ for me.” Magnus deadpans, his expression still grave and hurt. He scoffed, “You think you’re just another name in my list of lovers, don’t you” Magnus was raising his voice in each word, holding back the tears.

Alec opens his mouth to reply as he starts nodding, but Magnus doesn’t let him.

“I wished,” Magnus starts again, “Honestly, I _wished_ you were _just_ someone else I’ve loved” he insisted on “just,” accentuating the word with a movement of the head. He wasn’t screaming, but his voice was loud enough to hit Alec right in the soul, for him to finally fucking understand.

“When I told you you were new to me, I meant it. And it goes beyond the fact that I never dated any other Shadowhunters before you. Yes, I had some of these milestones with former lovers but, for fuck sake Alec, I don’t know why you can’t see that you’re not just another soul I fell in love with. Do you know how many times in my thousand of years of life I was desperate enough to want to erase all the memories I shared with someone I deeply loved?”

Alec shook his head. Did Magnus want to erase all of their shared memories? Is that what he was implying?

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Alexander,” Magnus sighed.

Alec truly was stunned. Little did he know that his innocent, “You truly tried to?” would be starting a wildfire.

“Yes! I did!” Magnus stood up and started pacing back and forth in Alec’s office. Alec followed but still kept the desk between them. “Because I was mad at you! So all I wanted to do was to erase every memory you ever brought to my life because I’d rather not remember what a life with you is, rather than spend an eternity regretting not having you in my life anymore!”

The silence is heavy between them as Magnus takes another intake of breath, and Alec processing all those words Magnus was throwing at him. Magnus crosses his arms, the way he always does when he tries to protect himself.

“I’ve been in pain before; I’ve suffered from mental health, from physical injuries and I’ve been tortured.” Magnus was so used of feeling the pain that he was immune to saying those words, “but the pain I felt when you left? It felt just the same way as when I had been ripped off my powers; I was losing a part of myself.”

Magnus had closed his eyes mid-sentence, fearing that Alec would read too much in his words had he read the expression in his eyes. He had no choice but to voice it out loud, it was the right thing to do, what they both needed to hear.

“And never, ever, in all those centuries of life, had I ever felt like that when I lost someone.”

Magnus’s voice broke on the last words, he shrugs, not giving enough time for Alec to reply on purpose, “You are my great love, Alexander. And loving you has been the easiest thing I’ve done in my life.” his voice was barely a whisper at this point as he falls back onto the chair he occupied earlier, leaning his elbows on his legs, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes.

Shadowhunters only love once and fiercely, but each immortal life gets to be blessed by one great love. That love that tells you that no matter the hardships, you’ll always find comfort in the arms of that person. That no matter how painful your fights and sorrows are, your love goes beyond that. This great love gets tattooed o/into their hearts for the rest of their immortal lives.

This is who Alec is for Magnus.

No matter the outcome, death doing them apart, or simply life driving them on separate ways, this one great love Magnus feels for Alec will remain and remain and remain throughout the years and the centuries. That one great love that connects their soul. That one great love that is the most intimate thing they could cherish, explaining why their break up hadn’t been simply heartbreaking, but truly soul-crushing for both of them.

Alec had joined Magnus on the chair next to him, a hand tentatively resting on Magnus’ shoulder, as a reassuring touch. Alec was processing Magnus’s confession, and there was a lot to take in.

They stay a few minutes like that, in the silence. The atmosphere being different than it was before Magnus let everything go. This silence was more comfortable and similar to what they know.

Alec whispers, choked up “You’re it for me, you know.”

Magnus looks up and meets his gaze, reading the sincerity of the statement. He nods, “I know.”

It warms their hearts to see that, despite the heartbreak, they still know each other.

“Thank you for all of this.” Alec lets out in an outtake of breath. There was so much more he wanted to say, so much more he wanted to confess in his turn.

“You did this for me, didn’t you?”

Taken aback, Alec doesn’t reply. He still doesn’t know what he can or cannot say regarding Asmodeus’ deal. He sends Magnus a half-shrug instead.

“You selfless idiot.” Magnus laughs for the first time since he walked into the room, and Alec feels like he can breathe again.

The atmosphere of the room has changed as Magnus’ ranting was going. Right now, looking at each other in complete silence, a silence that holds so many emotions and unspoken words, they were feeling like something new was blooming. They couldn’t really tell what exactly was that thing, but they were both pretty sure that’s something people who were meant for each other felt when they went down the road of almost losing each other forever.

“I still have to deal with my father, he still has a certain control over my powers” Magnus sighs, looking down.

“How come?” Alec wasn’t really pissed, but he was surprised. He should’ve known a prince of hell would set some unknown conditions in his part of the deal.

“He’s a prince of hell, he can do anything, especially as my powers made him stronger.”

There was a hint of regret in Magnus’ voice. The sacrifice of his powers had made one of the most dangerous figure of hell even more dangerous. They say one shouldn’t play with the devil.

“How about we figure out a way to make my state permanent before jumping to anything that could endanger any of us?”

Alec didn’t know words as simple as “we” and “us” could bring such a bright smile on his face. He nods and Magnus looks down at his outreached hand. He smiles up at him and holds his hand back, intertwining their fingers together, their hands tangling between them. Alec runs his thumb over Magnus’ fingers as he feels something in his heart that he hadn’t felt ever since Magnus broke down in front of him. And Magnus feels it too.

“Sure,” Alec replies with a genuine smile.

Sometimes, once the heated feelings are gone and you manage to cool down, you can look back and realize things you weren’t able to see before. You have a clearer vision of the big picture, with a lighter heart. And the hand you’re holding onto, the one hand that you were forced to let go of, is the only one that you want to keep a firm grip on.

And sometimes, all it takes is a squeeze of the hand from the person you love the most in the world, to feel hopeful again. Hopeful that things will get better with time and effort. And that every step of the way is worth living and going through it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I appreciate it so much.  
> Don't hesitate to yell at me on my twitter acc @ohhicutiepie!
> 
> Hope you liked it, and thank you again for your time. <3
> 
> PS: the first title chosen was 'The Great Love', but my beta and I were afraid it would give away too much. We are so in love with that title, so it needed its place in the notes. ♥


End file.
